it's been a while... i was avoiding writing on here because i felt like i didn't have anything valid to say.  but now i'm back at school and i'm finding myself all tied up in knots and i can't take it any longer. it's taken me over a year to realize how messed up i've let things become. i've royally screwed myself over. i've been clinging onto something that hasn't ever 100% been there. i've stayed up late lending an ear to listen, i've given up weekends to lend a helping hand, i've been a 6am wake up call countless times. i've been moral and emotional support. basically,  no matter what, over the past year and a half i've been there. you may have been there too... physically, but nothing else. again and again i've kicked myself for letting myself feel the way i've felt. i knew nothing would ever amount from such a rocky foundation. i was buidling a house upon sand. you were the wave that sent my house crashing to the ground. and rather than rebuild my house elsewhere... i stayed in that same spot. time and time again you've sent my world crashing down, but you feel no remorse for what you've done. and as hard as it may be for me to say this... i'm done with you. i can no longer let you have your cake and eat it too. i know i've said this before but this time i mean it.

lately everyone has been talking about their future. where they're going to live, who they'll marry, what kind of job they hope to have... and as much as i'd like for you to be apart of that future... i'm done forcing that to happen. if you're meant to be there, you will be. i'll be cordial and i'll still be friendly, but i'm ready to start finding my future and you're holding me back. so to you i say goodbye and i hope one day you realize all that you've lost.

so a TON of stuff has been going on around here... most of it not so great. it seems as though this summer has been on huge snowball that's been rolling down a gigantic hill. some things are worse than others.

but anyway... i've been doing A LOT of thinking lately and i've realized that one particular thing has been my fault, right from the start. it all began freshman year at rmu in my intro to mass comm class. who was the one who put myself in that group with the 3 fellas to do that magazine project... yeah that was me. who was the one who signed up to audition for and help out on that movie... yeah, me again. who was the one who was so blind she never saw the big fiasco of fall 2005 coming? who was the one who gave up numerous hours out of her schedule, who would drop everything and run... who was the one who was making the 7am wake up calls when she, herself didn't even have to be out of bed? who was the one who went out of her way, only to have the worst new years ever? who was the one staying awake into all hours of the night while in france to talk on line? who was the one who's laid it all on the line, wore her heart on her sleeve, poured her guts out only to have them drug half a block and ran over by a bus... me. the answers to all these questions are the same... it was me. it's been my own fault. i have no one to blame but myself. why is it that i just can't let this go? i hate how this eats away at me. it basically comes down to, no matter what i do, no matter how hard i try... i'll never be good enough.

welp when it rains it pours...

things just haven't been going in my favor lately. my sister just recently graduated from high school and her graduation party was about a week and half ago. our grandparents from north carolina came up for ambie's party. they brought their huge camper and parked it in our yard for about a week and a half. usually this doesn't really phase me... but this time it got so under my skin. ya see, my grandparents from NC don't really get involved in our lives. they swear they never knew i was even going to France... which is bs because i told my grandma on christmas day... which is like the only time of the year we talk to them on the phone and that's only because we call them. but anyway... while they didn't make any effort to see how my sisters and i are doing with school or sports or boys or anything like that. they're soooo distant... all my grandma could talk about was how she just wanted to go home. which isn't even really her home... my grandparents packed up about 12 years ago and moved to NC so they could be close to my dad's brother, his wife and the favorite grandchild. anyway, the point that i'm trying to get at is they packed up and left sunday after i had already left for work. they never said goodbye... i guess that's what gets me the most... they couldn't even say goodbye. they just packed up and left... again... i try not to let it get the best of me, but sometimes it's not that easy. but whatever...

then today, our dog nick passed away this morning. it was a big shock. none of us were expecting it. when i went to bed last night around 2am he was fine and i put him in the pen like usual. then my mom woke me up this morning and told me that nick had died. not exactly the kind of news anyone would want to wake up to. my mom had my grandpa and uncle burry him because my dad wasn't around. (that's a whole other story)

but now my dad's home and the shit has fit the fan....

and so i say when i rains it pours.